Morning Pages, May 10, 2018

Breathe. You’re a bad person right now. So think.

Am I doing the right thing at the right moment? That’s the hardest question. As I stood there flanked by two friends of friends, my feet planted in soft landscaped dirt, these nice shoes ruined not even by dancing but one too many trips on fake earth, my mind took my attention to some self help guy they brought in to tell us how to live our best lives. He was this slick car salesman type with small eyes and large teeth and a banana in his suit jacket pocket. His talk took thirty minutes but felt like three hours, and I only remembered one line. He was talking about taking what was ours, and how the only real decision any of us could make at any moment was if we were doing the best possible thing right now. And if we didn’t know, then we probably weren’t.

I’m definitely not. But what would be the best thing to do in this moment? Go back in and forget what happened, and just dance? Go after her, find her, change her mind? I doubted it, and felt helpless. Go straight home, pack up, and start over in a new city with a new identity? Always an attractive option.

The air was getting warmer as the sun set. It was eight o clock now. Two hours left in the dance. I could hear the music from the door. And I realized that surrender was an option. Accept what happened, and let yourself digest it before moving on. She’d tore me up in front of everyone. That happened. I didn’t dream it. I wasn’t going to wake up. And I had questions to answer.

May 10, 2018