Writing Practice, June 6 2015

Have you heard the word?

Call right now.

I don’t have to tell you about Jesus.

Could you spare a minute to find out more about this special offer?

You know me from the Food Network.

Could you sign this? You’ll get a free piece of premium Tupperware just for signing!

May I call your attention to the wisdom of this knife I have in my hand?

This Tupperware is really nice. You have no idea how nice.

Macadamia nuts. No, listen to me. Look me in the eyes. I have the truth you seek. Macadamia nuts.

Just plug this dingus into your car. Then you’ll know. You’ll know what’s wrong. It’s a very small dingus.

I saw the Tupperware in your cupboard. Your mother, how disappointed she must be. Just take this one piece. You’ll be back for more. I know you. I know your values.

I shouldn’t have to tell you that this pamphlet has all the answers. You know this pamphlet has all the answers.

I know your values.

If you cut meat with just a knife you bought at a store, you might as well give up now.

If you marry me, I’ll take you away from all this.

I’m going to stand here next to a cardboard stand full of pamphlets literally all day. I have the patience of my convictions. No, I literally have nothing better to do. I’ll slowly convince you, day by day, as you walk past me and give me a dirty look, that my patience is virtuous, and that you might one day also like some virtue, and then I will give you the pamphlet.

We’re the same, you and me.

I would use this product even if they didn’t pay me!

I am putting the Tupperware down. I am turning around. If the Tupperware is gone, I will not ask who took it. I will not look for the Tupperware. For all I know, a bird flew by and said to herself, wow, what a deal!”

If it wasn’t for this amazing offer I wouldn’t be here today. This offer saved my life. Do you understand? I was in a very dark place. I was lonely, and depressed. I thought that nothing mattered. But, then. I saw the offer. And now I’m here, sharing the good word. The offer, it is real. And time is running out.

Marry me. I’ll introduce you to my parents. They will see the Tupperware you’ve chosen and be very proud.

What would Jesus do with the information this dingus told him about his car?

We’re not here for very much longer. Truly, none of us know how much time we have left.

This Tupperware. Great handfeel. Even when it’s hot. Especially when its hot. It’s been engineered to

Are you listening? Tell me you’re there. I want to hear you. I want to help you. But I can’t help you if you don’t listen to what I have to say.

You have your credit card out. You know how this works.

Jesus would want you to be happy with this Tupperware.

This knife. You can cut Tupperware with it!

Okay, so it didn’t work that time. But we’re live! Things happen! I promise you, this dingus works. It speaks to your car. It makes you happier with the things you already have.

This knife can cut a car!

Take this pamphlet as proof of my devotion. Don’t even read it. You’ll read it later, when you are alone and it is late. Just take it for now. Just think about it. Shh. It’s going to be all right. Go to sleep.

Wake up.

Go to sleep.

This knife cuts sleep!

Sent from my Windows Phone

June 6, 2015