Writing Practice, May 24 2015

How many dates before you can expect a kiss?

This question leaves out so many elements about personal agency and context that there’s no civilized way to answer it.

How many dates before I can show them my apartment?

The answer is either no dates or a million. Is showing them your belongings something you even want to do? Are you sure? These are your things we’re talking about. Have you considered throwing out everything you own and furnishing anew for this hypothetical person?

Hide the lamp.

How many dates before I can introduce them to my parents?

Your parents will love your new hypothetical to-be, and vice versa. People are nicer than you give them credit for. There’s almost no chance the encounter will end in bloodshed or in the two Dakota’s merging.

Ten dates.

How many dates before I can expect sex?

This question is poorly written.

How many dates before I can get sex?


But sex tho

Come on.

okay, okay. I’ve heard three dates. That’s the standard.

If you know so much about this, why are you asking me?

Because I have no idea where I got that information. You’re real. I can cite you.

If you show this advice column to your hypothetical to-be after three dates while asking for expected three-date sex, I’m never giving you advice again.

Okay, so help me out!

Honestly, see question 1. There’s no way to answer this hypothetically. It all hinges on chemistry and agency. They have to like you, and you have to like them, and then you both have to say yes many, many times.

How many times do they have to say yes before I know it’s okay

Until they are annoyed with you asking. Until you have spoiled the mood by being too careful.

How many dates before I can buy them an Apple watch so I know their location and heartbeat all the time?

Bring them one on the first date. Everybody loves me.

May 24, 2015